A heart in thousand pieces

20210305

On a day when my heart was broken into thousand pieces, an old trauma finally came to the surface.

I felt the first shock, it felt like I was hit by a truck. This time and maybe the first time I decided to sit with it. Initially for a moment, then the whole day, until it expanded to a couple of days. While accessing my emotions wasn’t difficult for me, I often didn’t allow myself to feel them. Distracting myself with keeping myself busy or faking that I was totally okay and in control used to be an easy road until I was fed up with looking for things outside of myself. This time I chose to sit and feel everything thoroughly. I felt all and it had less to do with the heartbreak at that moment. That was only a fraction. I felt the little girl that felt hurt, left out, that harshly judged herself on what she did wrong and found herself asking why she deserves this. Her pain was inherited from maybe many lifetimes. And she never paid attention to it. By ‘sitting’ with it for a while, I was able to get to know the little girl. The first time I really saw her. I saw her fears, her pain, and her dreams.

Later on, I received a message from a lovely person which made me acknowledge that sometimes our hearts need to break multiple times in order to heal.

" We all get our hearts broken many times throughout our lifetime. By our family, friends, and sometimes by strangers. But you know what? Our hearts heal again, again, and again. That’s the beauty of humanity. "